Monday, November 2, 2009

This November

It feels like I'm struggling more than I have in a while with Shalece and Cirdan and I don't know why. It has been 10 years since she died and he left and it feels like I haven't stopped thinking about it and crying about it for a solid week. She died on Nov. 10th and he left shortly after. I really don't understand what is going on...
November usually comes with thoughts of them but they are almost always happy. My family and I recount memories and laugh...they are gone but they have been gone for so long that there is hardly any real sorrow left. Until this year. I feel like my whole heart, my whole soul, my whole everything needs them back. They can't have been gone for 10 years because it is impossible for a person to feel this much pain after something was lost a decade ago. I suddenly feel like I felt a few months after they is that even fair?? I'm a soggy mess with runny mascara almost all the time.
It started when a song came on the radio that we played at Shalece's funeral. This happens quite often and usually I think of her and the good times we had...this time I just kept thinking about how close her and I were. Remembering all the nights spent at her house, all the secrets we shared, living together for most of my seemed like we were closer to being sisters. Then I realized suddenly that I haven't had that kind of connection with anyone since. Lance and I are close...but probably not as close as Shalece and I. I was hit with that realization then and it's what has been hurting me since.
Max and I had an event that we were planning on attending together and he was called away to work. I thought that it wouldn't be a problem and that I would just call someone else to go with me...but not a single soul could be found. No one, not even my family, was interested in taking time out from their lives. I started thinking about how Max is my only real connection. He is the only person who is always there for me no matter what. Then I started thinking again how close Shalece and I one came between us. Then the sudden, hard, disgusting light bulb came on in my head.
What if Shalece was my connection? What if her and her beautiful baby were my people? People should have connections other than their spouse...their parents, their siblings, their friends, whatever. And what if mine died? What if the person who was supposed to be there for me no matter what died a decade ago and I'm just barely realizing this as I grow older. And I don't know if I will ever feel the same way about a baby that I felt about Cirdan...since he left that part of me just feels gone. I took care of him, I raised him. I held him in the night when he wouldn't stop crying as a 2-month old baby and I taught him the words to "Shake It Up Baby" from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" as he sang and danced around the living room as a little 3-year old. I haven't felt the same about any child since Cirdan left...even the idea of having children of my own seems strange to me. You mean I have to give my all to this screaming thing that gives nothing back? I don't think I could handle that...but with Cirdan it was so natural. It was so easy...even though it wasn't easy at all. The same could be said for Shalece.
Shalece wasn't necessarily a good person. She didn't take care of herself, she was manipulative, and I know that people don't turn into saints just because they die. But she was my person. Her and Cirdan were my connection in this world...and to just realize this a decade later is breaking my heart all over again.

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