Monday, November 16, 2009

You said you were high-class...that was just a lie.

I have the most complicated relationship with this one set of friends...the sad part is that I'm pretty sure almost all of the turmoil I go through are entirely my fault. I am usually the one who simplifies everything down so much that others think I'm leaving important aspects out. I find that if people can just chill, most everyone else will be chill, and there isn't much to worry about. But we have this one set of friends where this just doesn't work. Instead of what is actually being said, I take offense on what she implied or what actually wasn't said...that totally isn't like me. I don't get it at all.
Well maybe I get it a little bit. The way this couple makes me feel is the way that no one else has ever made me feel. They treat Max and I the same way...I don't know if he feels the same way I do or not. What it boils down to is this...I'm pretty sure that we have become their "low-class" friends. I don't know if that makes sense in itself so I'll try to explain.
He was Max's friend and they hung out quite a lot. They played video games and ate fast food and life was good. Then they both got girlfriends. Their girlfriends enjoyed each others company enough so we got together quite often and played games and ate fast food and life was good. Then it began happening so slowly that I can't even pinpoint when it actually changed. They got an overpriced apartment in the avenues to begin with. They enjoyed it and were happy so we all hung out and everything was cool. Then they both started saying and doing things that just seemed so...different...snobby...I don't know. I think the point I noticed things were different when they ranted and raved about this movie that they thoroughly enjoyed called Pan's Labyrinth. We told them that we were interested in seeing it and he responded by letting us know that he didn't think we would like it because it had subtitles.
It really seemed to me that he was telling us that they were smart enough to enjoy a movie with subtitles but we couldn't. Because we don't live in the avenues we don't know how to read? From then on it seems like I pick apart every get together with them and what they are doing to make themselves seem superior than us.
We watch action movies at the megaplex, they watch artsy films at the broadway. We like pizza and beer, they like wine and bleu cheese. They work all day while we sleep all day. The following are all the examples of everything I can think of when I felt inferior to them and I believe it was because that was their intention.
Almost any time we ask to see if they would like to see a movie, they let us know what the local review was and how it probably wouldn't be worth their time.
We go see movies with people at any theater...we have seen a few movies with them...almost all of them were indie and almost all of them were at indie theaters.
They come over on a Saturday to drop off some stuff and I am in my pajamas at's my day off in my house. Instead of saying hello, he says good morning.
Max and I have many complications and explain this to them as a reason why we are late to a party. They relay to everyone in the party that they are sure we were sleeping in and that is the reason we are late.
They were having a family party and one of the members of their family suggested that they go to dinner at Sizzler. Afterwords, they came over with some of their other friends and giggled at the thought of people actually eating at Sizzler.

All of this seems pretty silly when it is actually typed out. Insignificant. And I probably wouldn't even notice it if it wasn't for this new behavior...they act like they want to hang out with us, they make plans to hang out with us, then when we rearrange everything so the plans will follow through they don't bother calling. So we call them to see what is going on and they are at their other friends house...drinking wine. They couldn't possibly come over at this point. No big deal...we are all adults and plans change. But this happens quite often with them and none of our other friends.
It makes me wonder if they assume they aren't required to let us know plans change because we are "less". We aren't doing anything important, we aren't anything important. They don't need to call us...we need to call them. I don't even know how it got this way but now I have it in my head that they just are "better" than us. I couldn't imagine stopping at a Wendy's and grabbing a cheeseburger with them before playing a game of Monopoly like we used to. They just aren't like us...but they were.
No one makes me feel like I am "less". They do...they really do. And I don't know if I care to ever hang out with them again. I don't remember the last time I enjoyed their company without feeling like shit from one comment or another. Obviously, I wouldn't feel like shit if I didn't allow them to make me feel that way. But I don't know what else to do except end up frustrated and confused about how it got to this point.
There was no actual fight. There was no actual disagreement. It is all these little inclinations and inside jokes that makes me wonder constantly if we are the butt of a joke and don't even know it. They don't have any other friends like us anymore...and I wonder if our lifestyle is joked about over wine and cheese. Why do I care? I suppose it's because that's not how it used to be. But it is now...or maybe not. Maybe the entire thing is in my head.
How can I let 2 people get me this freaked out about what I am or what I'm not? Fuck them. They aren't better than me and even if they don't know that...I do. Them being different, living in the avenues, only liking indie movies, making more money, drinking wine, driving a Prius, not eating at Sizzler, and having yuppie friends doesn't make them any better than us. Not better than me. Not at all.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009


I had a conversation with my mom about the way I was feeling about Shalece. She seemed somewhat surprised that I would be struggling and immediately asked if I was PMS ing. If there's one thing I hate more that PMS ing is the idea that everyone around me has that at any moment none of my feelings are valid because I'm just PMS ing. When I am PMS ing I'm the first to recognize it and quarantine myself away from others if possible. If I am broching the subject of not being able to function because I can't stop thinking about Shalece and Cirdan and her immediate response is that my feelings can't be real...that makes me feel even more crazy. I know it's odd that after 10 years I'm grieving all over again for Shalece and Cirdan...and if I was wondering at all how weird it was, my own mother doesn't think it could possibly be rational. My period has to be around the corner.
I assured her that I was not PMS ing and she said it was likely hormones...something with my birth control or some other factor. She, after all, is the emotional one in the family. I am logical to a fault and I shouldn't be feeling something more intense than her about her own sister. She is over it...Shalece was nothing but a hassle and if I'm still feeling something it can't be real. But I know what I am feeling so we continued talking about it...
I am not asking for answers for any of this. I don't know what's going on with myself and I certainly don't expect others to understand it. Possibly because she is my mother she feels the need to fix me or whatever...I don't know. What she suggested gave me an idea as to why it is possible for me to feel so shitty and everyone around me to be okay with Shalece dying. And it has to do with something that I have struggled so much with in the past few years.
My mom suggested that Shalece was bothering me because I haven't paid attention to her and that I should go talk to her...meaning go to where we spread her ashes and talk with her. She was sure once I did this that I would feel better and feel closer to Shalece. It is my mom's belief that Shalece is still around that keeps her from having sudden crazy episodes like I am having. It is the idea that she can still talk with her and keep her close...that she is in heaven or something like it. I didn't have the heart to say anything to my mom...she is just trying to help afterall. But going and talking to a patch of grass is not going to solve anything for me. Shalece is dead and has been for 10 years. I haven't been able to have any conversations with her for 10 years. She hasn't been around for 10 years. There is nothing there but memories. Her whole person...everything she was...everything she was going to be was cremated and that is it. There is no present with Shalece and there is no future with Shalece. All I have with her is past...and anything I am feeling has to do with the fact that she is not a part of my present and she will not be a part of my future. I can't talk to Shalece...and what's worse is I can't even imagine that I'm talking to Shalece.
While my mom has no religion, she is assured that there is something higher than ourselves and that my aunt is now watching over all of us...including her baby boy. This brings her an incredible amount of comfort...a luxury I couldn't allow myself. I sometimes wonder in my own fierceness in my denial of all religion and spirituality. My logical brain screams out and repels the idea of a higher power and a realm of spirits where my aunt is somehow floating. Yet, I can't help but notice the kind of comfort my mom has. Her belief in the ridiculous has made her happy and fulfilled...while I'm floundering in my own sorrow. I also often wonder what it would be like to have some assurance that He...the one higher than yourself...had a plan for you. That you weren't completely fucking up and that you could always know that He had your back. I wonder what it would be like to live your life according to some set standard that someone else provided. It seems like it would be so much easier than trying to pound this life out from stone all on my own. And we can't forget the idea of an afterlife...that making the absolute best out of this life isn't quite as critical as what comes after. And that you won't ever be truly separated from those you love.
A person would have all that...and comfort when loved ones die. It seems like it would be so natural for people to fall into something like looks so safe and warm. But Shalece is dead. She is long gone. And her companionship and everything she was is gone too. I couldn't have a conversation with some grass or some sky and feel any different about the situation.

Monday, November 2, 2009

This November

It feels like I'm struggling more than I have in a while with Shalece and Cirdan and I don't know why. It has been 10 years since she died and he left and it feels like I haven't stopped thinking about it and crying about it for a solid week. She died on Nov. 10th and he left shortly after. I really don't understand what is going on...
November usually comes with thoughts of them but they are almost always happy. My family and I recount memories and laugh...they are gone but they have been gone for so long that there is hardly any real sorrow left. Until this year. I feel like my whole heart, my whole soul, my whole everything needs them back. They can't have been gone for 10 years because it is impossible for a person to feel this much pain after something was lost a decade ago. I suddenly feel like I felt a few months after they is that even fair?? I'm a soggy mess with runny mascara almost all the time.
It started when a song came on the radio that we played at Shalece's funeral. This happens quite often and usually I think of her and the good times we had...this time I just kept thinking about how close her and I were. Remembering all the nights spent at her house, all the secrets we shared, living together for most of my seemed like we were closer to being sisters. Then I realized suddenly that I haven't had that kind of connection with anyone since. Lance and I are close...but probably not as close as Shalece and I. I was hit with that realization then and it's what has been hurting me since.
Max and I had an event that we were planning on attending together and he was called away to work. I thought that it wouldn't be a problem and that I would just call someone else to go with me...but not a single soul could be found. No one, not even my family, was interested in taking time out from their lives. I started thinking about how Max is my only real connection. He is the only person who is always there for me no matter what. Then I started thinking again how close Shalece and I one came between us. Then the sudden, hard, disgusting light bulb came on in my head.
What if Shalece was my connection? What if her and her beautiful baby were my people? People should have connections other than their spouse...their parents, their siblings, their friends, whatever. And what if mine died? What if the person who was supposed to be there for me no matter what died a decade ago and I'm just barely realizing this as I grow older. And I don't know if I will ever feel the same way about a baby that I felt about Cirdan...since he left that part of me just feels gone. I took care of him, I raised him. I held him in the night when he wouldn't stop crying as a 2-month old baby and I taught him the words to "Shake It Up Baby" from "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" as he sang and danced around the living room as a little 3-year old. I haven't felt the same about any child since Cirdan left...even the idea of having children of my own seems strange to me. You mean I have to give my all to this screaming thing that gives nothing back? I don't think I could handle that...but with Cirdan it was so natural. It was so easy...even though it wasn't easy at all. The same could be said for Shalece.
Shalece wasn't necessarily a good person. She didn't take care of herself, she was manipulative, and I know that people don't turn into saints just because they die. But she was my person. Her and Cirdan were my connection in this world...and to just realize this a decade later is breaking my heart all over again.

Trying this out...

This is my first blog on this new site. I used to really enjoy writing blogs on Myspace...but now I'm hardly on Myspace so I figured I needed a new outlet. We shall see how this goes. :)