Conversations

I had a conversation with my mom about the way I was feeling about Shalece. She seemed somewhat surprised that I would be struggling and immediately asked if I was PMS ing. If there's one thing I hate more that PMS ing is the idea that everyone around me has that at any moment none of my feelings are valid because I'm just PMS ing. When I am PMS ing I'm the first to recognize it and quarantine myself away from others if possible. If I am broching the subject of not being able to function because I can't stop thinking about Shalece and Cirdan and her immediate response is that my feelings can't be real...that makes me feel even more crazy. I know it's odd that after 10 years I'm grieving all over again for Shalece and Cirdan...and if I was wondering at all how weird it was, my own mother doesn't think it could possibly be rational. My period has to be around the corner.
I assured her that I was not PMS ing and she said it was likely hormones...something with my birth control or some other factor. She, after all, is the emotional one in the family. I am logical to a fault and I shouldn't be feeling something more intense than her about her own sister. She is over it...Shalece was nothing but a hassle and if I'm still feeling something it can't be real. But I know what I am feeling so we continued talking about it...
I am not asking for answers for any of this. I don't know what's going on with myself and I certainly don't expect others to understand it. Possibly because she is my mother she feels the need to fix me or whatever...I don't know. What she suggested gave me an idea as to why it is possible for me to feel so shitty and everyone around me to be okay with Shalece dying. And it has to do with something that I have struggled so much with in the past few years.
My mom suggested that Shalece was bothering me because I haven't paid attention to her and that I should go talk to her...meaning go to where we spread her ashes and talk with her. She was sure once I did this that I would feel better and feel closer to Shalece. It is my mom's belief that Shalece is still around that keeps her from having sudden crazy episodes like I am having. It is the idea that she can still talk with her and keep her close...that she is in heaven or something like it. I didn't have the heart to say anything to my mom...she is just trying to help afterall. But going and talking to a patch of grass is not going to solve anything for me. Shalece is dead and has been for 10 years. I haven't been able to have any conversations with her for 10 years. She hasn't been around for 10 years. There is nothing there but memories. Her whole person...everything she was...everything she was going to be was cremated and that is it. There is no present with Shalece and there is no future with Shalece. All I have with her is past...and anything I am feeling has to do with the fact that she is not a part of my present and she will not be a part of my future. I can't talk to Shalece...and what's worse is I can't even imagine that I'm talking to Shalece.
While my mom has no religion, she is assured that there is something higher than ourselves and that my aunt is now watching over all of us...including her baby boy. This brings her an incredible amount of comfort...a luxury I couldn't allow myself. I sometimes wonder in my own fierceness in my denial of all religion and spirituality. My logical brain screams out and repels the idea of a higher power and a realm of spirits where my aunt is somehow floating. Yet, I can't help but notice the kind of comfort my mom has. Her belief in the ridiculous has made her happy and fulfilled...while I'm floundering in my own sorrow. I also often wonder what it would be like to have some assurance that He...the one higher than yourself...had a plan for you. That you weren't completely fucking up and that you could always know that He had your back. I wonder what it would be like to live your life according to some set standard that someone else provided. It seems like it would be so much easier than trying to pound this life out from stone all on my own. And we can't forget the idea of an afterlife...that making the absolute best out of this life isn't quite as critical as what comes after. And that you won't ever be truly separated from those you love.
A person would have all that...and comfort when loved ones die. It seems like it would be so natural for people to fall into something like that...it looks so safe and warm. But Shalece is dead. She is gone...so long gone. And her companionship and everything she was is gone too. I couldn't have a conversation with some grass or some sky and feel any different about the situation.